The Blackmail

One of biggest difference between good times and bad times is that during happiness you make rules and during sadness, you break them.

As my Meditation techniques have taught me ways to observe the reasons affecting my mental equilibrium, I observed that there was another phase that I had been entering in, whenever I was pushed towards a loneliness I wasn’t used to-  the phase of ‘Self- Blackmail’.

These pangs of loneliness evolved from the transitions from one phase to another, mounting pressure. For instance the shiftover from prolonged togetherness (like with a close friend or family member) to getting back to being physical alone, a shift to a new city, new job, new house or falling into the net of a new problem. And I was always kneeling down before this innate force to fall prey to this unmindful desolation I was suffering from.

I blackmailed myself do things that I wouldn’t have done in the normal course- breaking promises, compromising ethics, defying rationalities and giving up on self-vows.

This blackmailing was scratching upon the most vulnerable part of my flesh and the wounds only oozed out sheer cowardliness and single- mindedness of indirect self-curse portrayed in more than one ways of self-coercion.

I forced stuff on myself I was principally against and convinced myself that there was no pleasure in doing stuff that I felt I should.  

I stopped sharing. I started chasing. I stopped analyzing. I started adding upon things that have always been beyond my control. And found most convincing reasons to land myself in the situation where I could simply lash myself with all the failures, impossibilities and heartbreaks of the past.

I was continuously succeeding in fishing out reasons I could cling to, to feel perennial sadness inside my bones. And any refusal to such absorption had a cost- to bow down to my demands of the emotional blackmail.

The only way to safety was to be unsafe. And it was one-way. Such unsafe way to safety just inscribed another way to insensate destruction.

And this time. When I am again imprisoned in this self-created holocaust camp for the last 10 days (I mean nights), I have decided to revolt against this dictatorship and like a patriotic soldier, being true to my Life, refuse to surrender irrespective of which degree of assault is inflicted.

I’ll undergo all that I am possibly meant to. And will face the pain as it comes with only one thought in mind- “Be Brave”.

I disapprove to surrender to this Blackmail. I am brave...

 

P.S. You are what you think