The Experience

Each time something good happens to us, it mostly goes in the database of our memoirs.

And, each time something bad happens, we name it experience.

Off late, I wasn't getting much new 'experiences'  but was continuing with the feeble old ones.

So, I got a new one. A big one. International one.

I was cheated on my money. By a woman I don't know and never met.  Well, I sternly believe in what men staring at the Sensex, smiling at each other, comment at 3:30 pm in Bombay Stock Exchange: Waqt se pehle aur kismet se zyada kuch nahi milta (You don't get before time and more than your destiny) . I too have learnt this hard way.

But getting cheated and making a profit/ loss is different. I tell you how.

Making profit or incurring loss makes you happy or sad. But getting cheated makes you a different person altogether. I don't say that it makes you an alert citizen, the way your local police advertises, but it makes a deep impact on your personality. It makes you a non believer. Negative. Practical and dry. It teaches you to be a grandfather on the road and not to play football like a kid there. It gives you an unnecessary mature approach in all things that you would have wanted to do without thinking. Sometimes beauty lies in doing something without thinking of its conclusion.  This is where it fills ugliness in your life. Which, I think is more than the actual money you lost in cheating.

Of course money does matter. But there are two things that are bothering me.

First, the fact that I have been cheated. I am not able to sleep, eat, sit (and even sh*t, I am serious). I know I won't be able to, till I accept that I have been. And, once I do, all body parts will become functional automatically. It is a temporary phase.

But the second one is not. It is that it has deprived me of my right to believe my decisions. And questioning the fact that I am wrong and incapable. A question emanating my own heart and hitting me where it hurts the most. It has shattered me and I cant let myself heal for the fear of getting hurt again. A high sense of responsibility coupled with higher sense of apprehension. It is like missing something for the fear of missing what I have. This is how  'losing' becomes a greater word than 'getting' in your life. It has made me what I am not and what I never wanted to be.

And yes, the third impact, that I am forgetting to mention. This will advance after I have accepted the fact that I was cheated. Ah that feeling of scornfulness, hatred, revenge with unending curses that your heart secretes for the person who cheated you, that spurns to leave for quite some time. It keeps coming and going at various intervals, till it gets dissolved and you are healed out of this temporary madness effect.

Well, as I know, I am just on the threshold to plunge into this dark ugly phase and have to start from the Step one, and when I reach the finish line, i ll too  have to call it my new 'experience'....