Top 20 ways to handle break up

If there is anything that I can call myself an expert in (after cooking) it is ‘breaking up’. I have broken up more times than I have been in relationship with. I have broken up with people with whom I have not even been in relationship with. I break up with people I don’t even know. 

While I am an expert, I believe it is easier said than done. 

After realising cooking is really not my forte after even animals refused to eat food cooked by me, here is my guide for a healthy wealthy and wise break up. Cheers. Thank me later. 

1. You must eat. You can’t cry empty stomach. (Make sure you don’t eat what you cooked.) 

2. Realise that you managed to carry the relationship until today. And that if not a good cook, at least you were a good listener. 

3. Download all the dating apps available in App Store. Meet the first guy you match with. On the same evening. Make sure you don’t spend even one evening alone for the next one month. Because obviously, you don’t want to face yourself. (And ask him what is he doing tomorrow). 

4. Sleep with the guy you meet on the first date. That way, next morning you will have a bigger guilt to face with than the shit you were trying to deal with in the first place. Be smart. Choose to suffer smartly.

5. Go to your phone book. Select a random person. Call. Tell them how shitty they are. Empty yourself. Get rid of all your frustration and negativity. Finish the call. Block them. (Tip- any person except your boss; ex boss is fine).

6. Unblock your last ex. Call him and say that you are missing him. Behave like you never broke up. (Tip: create some random shit of some romantic past incident to make it sound authentic). 

7. Change your profile photo. Put a sexy one- on Whatsapp and Facebook. That will attract potential candidates. Prepare yourself for the people with whom you are going to exchange numbers in the next 2-3 days. You must appear date-able. And, hot. 

8. Learn photoshop. 

9. Check stuff online. Sort by cost. Buy the costliest item you see. You need to realise money can buy love. 

10. Wear all the dresses that you thought were too sexy for work. Call the IT guy at your desk and ask how to convert a .pdf to word. 

11. Call your friends and tell them that they were right when they had warned you that you were dating an a**hole. 

12. Go to your bestie and ask him if he has beers in the fridge. If not Stella, Corona is a must. 

13. Recall the incidents like- the evening when you went clubbing with a group of friends and were ignoring the weirdo who was checking you out. Try to remember his name and text him that you have been thinking of him. Ask him out. 

14. Treat yourself with Indian buffet and make sure you eat double of what you pay. That will definitely put you to sleep if not booze. 

15. Don’t delete the number of the person you are breaking up with because you will need that during your next break up.

16. Hook up with the African guy in your language class. Hook ups are meaningless but so is life.

17. Date of break up: Plan diligently. You must not have any interview, exam, periods, a performance or anything similarly upcoming in the next  20 days.

18. Buy 1 kg chocolate. DS Groceries has the cheapest one in HK. 

19. Tell Chatty Kathy at work that you broke up.

20. Do everything that your ex hated. 

You are welcome.