The Road Not Taken

I live my alter-life with this old friend of mine in India.
Each time I think of her, I think- if all went as right as it should have, this is probably how I would have been. A well settled life with husband and kids and extended family and a house and a well paying job and ‘respect’ in the society a.k.a. my perfect life.

And this life that I have lived in real- this partner-less life, with no kids, solo travels, no accumulated wealth and no EMIs. This tangible life where I haven’t scored well in terms of a lot of societal standards a.k.a. my imperfect life. 

And after 12 years I put my these ‘two lives’ on a table and compare. To see which one has more ‘market value’.

The more I analysed, I found that this lustrous and successful perfect life looks beautiful on the display, will I ever choose to live this imperfect life ever?

To my surprise, the answer has always been- yes.

Not because I lived this one, but because the perfect is too good to be true. Are people trulyhappy as they pretend to?

I am not justifying or trying to prove that by going against the stride I did a better job and everyone should do it. I am simply sharing that now the kind of relationship that I share with myself is the strongest. That I value what I have been through not just what survived. That the journey has been mostly painful and sometimes rewarding but I am so happy that I played the game even though I may not look like to have winning it, but hey who has ever come out of this game alive. 

I do repent what I missed but I can’t trade it off with what I have been through. Never did I need to lie to myself. I afforded to live a life of truth. I never had a lamp post of my complaints. I became a risk taker in life probably because I had nothing to lose. The whole process of learning and exploring changed me. I gradually learnt how to take big decisions, and to take the responsibility if that failed. I don’t know if I’d have liked myself as much as I do now. I don’t know the cost of what I never achieved, but I value what I learnt in the process. 

I probably would have never gone for meditation courses if I had toddlers to take care of, and even if did, I might not have been able to concentrate as I would just be physically present at the retreat. Or if I did, it wasn't just to escape from my nagging mother in law. 

I’d not have risked myself to climb up those volcanoes, jump into those rivers, get hurt and not cry, drive alone hundreds of miles with bleeding legs, get tattoos (and still not cry) and do all those craziest things if I had a husband at home to take permission from. 

I know in the end it is all a game of ‘what ifs’…
…but isn’t it exciting to sit on the end of the shore and watch how different the sun- sets look like from a shore which is not so crowded. Probably because you swam against the tide while everyone else decided to settle down at the first seen spot. 

Most of the times I question myself what I achieved in life but I don't get a perceptible answer.

But when I ask myself, if given a chance, will I do it all over again, the cheeky inner voice says “Yes!”. 

P.S. I have become the girl your parents warned you not hang out with.