Equilibrium

She declared that she was pregnant, in office.

I was happy for her, and sad for myself.

She is a nice girl. She got married two years back to a nice South Indian guy whom she considers is better than her. Husband is qualified, earns well, loves her, takes care of her and saves for their future home and baby. Can a woman demand more from life.

Whenever there is any such position that demands setting up an example, or exhibits the feature of a perfect situation, I have this nagging habit of putting myself in that place and comparing. And the result, as always, is lambasting.

I have been doing this with myself more than often, resulting in emotional mayhem and lingering unanswered questions.

While on my way today, I asked myself if all that I have lost was futile. Have I not gained anything from the losses. Is that not enough sacrifice to be the person I am today. Haven’t I become what I could never have, if I was a married woman with kids and a middle class husband coming home every evening, and discussing home loans. I even wonder if that perfect market situation (as per Economy) ever prevails, and even if it does, it is uncertain as to for how long it does. Sustainability brings a question mark.

I don’t all have just sulking material too. Haven’t I found myself after losing all that I had.  Haven’t I realized that probably my biggest target in life is to become a better human being, and keep moving. Not having an aim is not an aim in itself, when you recognize that going with the flow is a struggle too. I know I have been making up my mind and re-making it too frequently. But hasn’t life taught to be happy in what we have got (or remained, in my case) and to create the best out of it. Yes, I do get mad, act childish and throw up soon but can I ignore the frequencies of these getting lower. Are the indications worth ignoring?

Every day I get unlayered and I see myself like never before, and get closer to myself. My insecurities have increased in a number of ways, I agree, but at the same time the trust too that these do comprise a life and in uncertainties lies the certainty of strife.    

At the same time, I admit, sustainability will question imperfect situation too. I don’t know how long this situation will prevail seeing the inordinate future.  

We all need equilibrium in life, and seek certainty among the little uncertainties in life to find solace.