A tryst with solitude

They say, the more you run away from girls, the more they come near you...
Solitude, I infer now, is exactly opposite to that...
More than enough I have ran away from it..but it looks like never leaving me
So, why not, for a change, pause and let it reach me...as they say, no one should go unheard.

As the definitions of life have been recetly changed for me, I realised, I am now, getting more attracted towards solitude and its reated stuff..

Earlier, when i used to roam at the beach, i used to get amused to see the couples holding hands, laughing, kissing, hugging and playing..
But now, i feel like getting more attracted towards the singles..of all age groups...of all sexes..of all creeds..of all social statuses..
I have observed that people who stay single are more healthy, more independent, more smiling, choosy and seem like being proud of themselves..
They work as an insignia of human race.. i may be wrong..but they look like so powerful from inside
Probably when we are alone, we are assured that we have got nothing to lose, hence we feel contended, happy and secured

Initially, when i encountered solitude for the first time after separation from my partner, it symbolised death to me...gradually i realised that staying with solitude was not a compromise, but a blessing as it taught me how important i was for myself...and it really taught me how to love myself..

But gradually, as per the law of diminishing utilities, the love for myself, after reaching its height started to diminish, and at that stage, i felt like giving clues to myself that i was decaying..

As a matter of fact, I am going to complete 6 months of the exile period now, and i m passing through so many questions, probabilties, some larger uncertainties and some self framed lessons of life...

The season of tears, in between, arrives every two months..ha ha
I have just finished over with it..i m allowed to have a tearless smile for another 2 months now...

By staying alone, I realised that there are 26 hours, and not 24 hours in a day..
And i know every single hour that i live with during the day, now-a-days.

The days are long..especialy sundays
Nights are grey..they used to be sparkling black earlier
Mornings are patchy and pale yellow in color.. they used to be orangy red earlier

Meanings of life have changed substantially

The things that used to look big in years to come in life, smell smaller and vice versa
Life used to look so planned, just like a passing affair...
Time, similarly, i took as a weak warrior
I am contented to know that I am wrong, before wrong actually happened to me..

Solitude has made me realise my mistakes and my potential and answer the questions for which i never was able to shell out time..strange, but true!!
It has helped me to suggest myself what all do i need and at what time to fill up the vaccuums created within me..

It has helped me know myself, as a being, as a female, as a growing woman, as a professional, as an individual..

At the same time, it has uncovered the bitter variances of life that I used to assume as constants in my equations...

I am reminded of Joseph Konrad's saying...."We live as we dream- ALONE !!"
The new law of my "Individualism" replaces "we" by "I" and "as" by "and", thereby making it...."I live and I dream- ALONE !!" 

The Ghost

Ghost- A derivative of borrowed apprehensions.

A ghost derives its powers from our own impotencies.

You are not sure whether actually ghosts exist or not, but you still get frightened of them.

Till the time, somebody is accompanying you, you smug, having a reason to console yourself. 

Ghost is an uncertainty, a feeling of helplessness, a cry, a strong feeling of needing somebody by your side. 

Yes, that’s what I wanted to say. 

Solitude is like a ghost.

It stays in your own heart. 

It feeds on your conscience in your sub conscious..

Till the time somebody is by my side, life looks as normal as it is.

But, the moment, the heart realizes that the person besides me is about to make a move, the ghost from the corner of the closed walls, suddenly appears from nowhere and starts dancing by your side…

Neither parents/ siblings nor relatives/ friends can provide you company. Yes, you are absolutely alone. Your ego too, leaves your body. 

You lie in your bed, like an injured rat, whose life is as unimportant as its death. 

An acutely severe phenomenon- that tears you from inside and keeps on scratching your wounds. 

There is no escape. You are a well defined prey…meant to suffer. 

The Request

“It is a black and white picture. Not clear. But you can see it moving ”, said she, telling about her observation on seeing the baby inside her womb in ultra-sound.

Thank God, we were conversing on chat, otherwise she would have noticed my teary face or heard me groaning in pain, to miss that part of my life.

I absolutely and very clearly remember, Mr. God, when once, while crossing the bridge you had implanted the thought in me that you won’t leave my life empty and  I am too, your dear child. I’ll also get everything that I ever wanted….just that I should wait with some patience. If you remember, I had agreed on it happily that evening.

But, why this strong pain. I never wanted to be a mother. And, now, I just want to be a mother only.

I request you to define the word “patience” that you often use, in our conversations. Yes, you heard it right. I want you to quantify and define how long and how much pains in my struggle for life I need to go through.

Please explain.

You have given me a good, attractive and a healthy body. You have made me a master in my field that I get respect for my work and am able to work for my living for the rest of my life, with pride. You have given me no liability and only peace at heart to enjoy the bounties you have bestowed upon us.

I thank you for all that. I am really grateful to you, for that. I mean it.

But, now, I want you to bless me with that concept that gives me the strongest feeling.

I want to be a mother.

You know it.

I want a baby of my own.

I want to reproduce.

I want your blessing inside my womb and that I see it growing every day and night.

I want him (am sorry, am becoming gender specific) to be created inside my body.

I want him to look like me, and do all that I did…and all that I couldn’t.

I want to live life again- through his eyes.

Please god, I know you are listening to me..i know you are there… I know that you are seeing me crying.. I know that you will. Please give me more patience to wait.