The Girl my Mother gave birth to

She was a young beautiful young woman in Eighties. She had boys around trying to woo her. She got married before she could complete her studies. She had a baby in her womb before she could learn how to hold a baby in her arms. This brief is her story. 

She lost her fragile girlish body to be a house wife, a hard working daughter in law, a vigilant care taker and a responsible mother.

This girl was my mother…as I imagined of her gazing at the black and white family photo album and the life she had lived in the last three decades.

 She had handled her own share of woes and she had too walked on the patchy paths that she was destined to. 

I was in pain to think of the difficult times she faced probably when she, like all of us, wanted to leave it all and run away. And, like most of us, she didn’t.

But one questioned that kept banging my head…”Did she really give birth to the daughter she wanted to.”

An inner voice grabbed me by my neck and asked me- Was I really the reward of her struggle.… Had I ever thought of what Mom had imagined about me.

The moment when she would have held her baby in her arms, she would have seen of the flash of the little world that she had created. And with every passing day, she'd have pinned hopes from her. 

Probably she wanted that little bundle to grow up as strong as she never had been in her decisions. Probably she wanted her to be a girl who would master her own destiny and fly around the world. Probably she wanted her to have wings of fire and roots of her dreams. Probably she looked upon her as the answer of her all her incapacities. 

Or, may be, she wanted her to be a woman of forbearance, a girl who could create her progenies and from whom her little particles of her own shadows would walk on little steps when her hair would be grey. Probably she wanted her to have a similar extended family as she created and nurtured. May be that would have 'completed' her.

I wasn’t sure. 

I realized how I had befailed her in more than one ways. I had befailed her because I chose my own path of struggle and nomadic life. I had befailed her because I had turned down the only legacy that she had to entrust me- “to Trust Life”. 

Incomplete Poems

On my way back home today
I met some Incomplete poems.

I watched them from afar
Some were headless
Most were identityless.

I observed to find to which lands they belonged to.

Some carried parts of the sky in their Pocket
Some shone like Gold
Some had shoes with a worn out Sole
Some were Languageless

But they all held each other
By Words and Time
Don't know in oblivion or awe or hope.. 

Running away

Running away from problems

Has not solved them

But this distance

Has made them appear smaller

Biased God

Your enemy must win too.

Will you worship a “Biased God”?

My Birthday

Today is my birthday.

I wasn't born on this day, but re-born.

I turn one year old today.

This day, in the last year. This was the only good thing that happened to me in 2013. While my existence had been dragging me for years, Life picked me up at a stroke of a second.

I learnt Vipassana. I learnt to breathe in. And breathe out. And that there was no use retaining the fumes inside.

I learnt that I was strong. And how much. And my fear was just a sham.

I learnt how petty I was. And how majestically. And how proud I should be of the fact.

I learnt that the Truth wasn’t far behind. I just needed to let it reach me.

It showed me how I was caught in the vicious circle of why and what. It helped me cut my doubts of life and place my trust in the Truth. And to appreciate and love it without ever being doubtful of its reality.

I regard this as my birthday. And guess what. I got a birthday gift too.

Someone trusted me and attended Vipassana at my behest. 

My 'Valentine' Poem

Between your lips and mine, there is a promise

Of a word of lifetime that it has

A life of its own, that laughs, awaits, thinks and lives

A life of independent trust with its own little fragrance and touch

When you touch my lips, you play with this trust

And when I kiss you back, it gets manifested into a moment.

Couplets

The moment I look into your eyes
A thousand Couplets start to dance between us.

Shall I capture them all and grant a life term of words
Or, Shall I let them live their promised life times…

KARMA

The Focal point of your Karma

Where all desires meet

Lust runs across

And greed piles up

Thirst hovers over the anger and deficiencies

Either you’ll bounce or be reborn

But it will not let you die… 

Two Roads

The road on my left leads me to the Past..

A time where I was always ditched.

The road towards my right leads me to the Future

A time that I can never trust.

I heard a passer-by chuckling…

“Disbelief darkens the roads...”

The Unfeigned Me

Did I live with you for months
Was I dying for you for years
Or waited for you for decades 

I don’t remember..

All I do is that I have run through all Timelines

And become an unfeigned Me now. 

Shifting years on the Map

Shifting the decades

On the map of Life

Some countries had cold summers

Few had warmer people

Some faces had blurred smiles

Few eyes had vision beyond the sight

Some roads lead to the Carrefour

Some vehicles disappearing in the fog

Cheering up on red wine with laughter

While gulping secret pains deep down the throat

Life never grows old...

Life grows intimate in its relationship with you...

The Ball of Fire

The Ball of Fire

Dripping Darkness

And Solitariness

Chases me

I am weary of running towards mirages 

Is it the time to surrender and be burnt again 

The Search

(Painting by David FeBland)

The Search

Has become so triumphant…

That the discovery

has belittled the victory... 

Shooting Star

You live a life of a shooting star

Invoking prayers and wishes

With a spark of light following you

Flying alone in the thick black skies

Hitting straight on the ground

Plunging into an ocean of permanent darkness for... forever

Not even leaving a trail behind

Dying as if you never lived.

Or, could we live backwards?

Foot Prints

I am erasing my foot prints

From the journeys I couldn't complete.

I am starting again

To see if I can make new mistakes. 

Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. 


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

~ Khalil Gibran 

Same smoke

Same smoke

Is sticking around

The horizon

Is the fire without heat this time...

Yesterdays of the past

So many lessons learnt

So many stories to write about

So many yesterdays spent waiting for a tomorrow

And not a single 'today' to live?

A Man on my bed

The white bedsheet lies crumbled on the bed. The quilt placed unfolded on the corner.
The air-conditioner set at 22 degrees. The window pains are steamy and the fog outside blurs the vision​ outside. The ships sailing in the water look like locusts. 

​Black bodily hair lie scattered on the white bedsheet. The rectangular bed is placed in the middle of the room. 

And I m sitting on the floor. In the extreme corner of the room. Staring. Glancing. Wondering at the sight.  

I see a giant body lying upturned on my bed. A hairy brown big body....A body of a man.

A man with frizzy hair and unshaved cheeks. Drooling. Snoring. His curly eye lashes placed softly on the roughly folded pillow. His lower body wrapped in a thick cotton robe. His bare back fighting with the light falling from the windows. The cold air tip-toeing on his broad shoulders. The bed spread barely covering his folded leg.

A man is sleeping on my bed. And I am on this corner. Escaping the thoughts flocking around. 

How two worlds are created in an instance. One, when we create it instantly, without being a part of it.... and second, when we uproot it and still choose to be a part of it forever.

You are None

Probably the best part that Life rewards you with is when after putting you through various tests, it leaves you in a Timeline to give a pause and realize that….

‘You are none’

When it shows you that you’d not always be the current that sails in the middle of the sea nor the dying wave… as you are on the shore already.

When it picks you from plateaus and drops you in the deserts while crossing the rain forests.. it points out that you belong to not just one place.

When it makes you a child, a friend, a madman, a father, a creator, a failure, a predecessor and a successor simultaneously.. then suddenly a stranger one day. It indicates that you would not be under one label forever.  

‘You are, none. 
But, just You.
There is no You in this lifetime other than you.
And you have, only one lifetime, to be You.'

Freedom to Love

I see myself knit dreams 
Of You
Without You

I am illusioned 
With the presence 
Of Your absence  

I have presumed
To have the freedom to love You
Without seeking Your permission...

Was it You..

I question myself...

Was it me who loved you

or was it Love that loved me?

The Door unopened

Two windows

And a door

I had in the prison

I had slipped out of the window at night several times

when none was watching.

I came back in from the window I left unlocked before mornings

And slept back in the blankets woven.

The doorman has summoned

"It is Time to break open the Door" he says. 

Your Name

Your name is

Like an unexplainable pleasure  

How will I explain what I feel

When I rub nothing between my middle finger and thumb

Your name is

The battle of time

How will I explain

The pleasure of waiting to meet you in this lifetime

Do I love you or your name...

I am in love

Getting you
Is losing you

To be one with you
I have to separate from you

Falling in love with you
Has liberated me...