7th day at Vipassana

It was the 7^th day of Vipassana. I had spent a week alone and had three days left to go back.

I was scared as well as craving to go back to the world that I had created around me. Probably I was in the middle of attaining my Vipassana and still far ahead from the horizon of touching equanimity that we were being trained for.

The world was full of dogs- dogs chasing, dogs barking, dogs eating bones, dogs fighting for flesh and yet acting like bitches. Probably I was one of them too, I thought.

A world that I had knit with goodness and badness- 2 things that we thought it was all made up of. And we didn’t know towards which side we were marching eventually until we reached the end.

Some promises made were to be fulfilled, and some were yet to be made. I realized how I had broken many in order to fulfill others. What a filthy garbage I was carrying, of guilt, broken memories and failures uselessly. On myself.  Interestingly, I didn’t need that too.  

What was equanimity for me, that we were taught?

To get educated, to get high accolades, get skilled, work, get married, earn well and then have kids?

Why did I design this faulty system wherein a link broken will lead to the collapse of my whole empire?  Why did I never prepare a plan B? Why did I prepare only one yardstick to measure my success, which I kept re-naming as my happiness? Why did all my short terms plans lead to my long term ones?  Why there was no support system created in case I didn’t begin in the first place?

Even if I had one reason to go back to the world that belonged to me, I shouldn't have been scared- no matter if the same reason was going to be the reason of either my decay or glory.