It was the 7th day of Vipassana. I had spent a week alone and had three days left to go back.
I was
scared as well as craving to go back to the world that I had created around me.
Probably I was in the middle of attaining my Vipassana and still far ahead from
the horizon of touching equanimity that we were being trained for.
The world was
full of dogs- dogs chasing, dogs barking, dogs eating bones, dogs fighting for
flesh and yet acting like bitches. Probably I was one of them too, I thought.
A world
that I had knit with goodness and badness- 2 things that we thought it was all made
up of. And we didn’t know towards which side we were marching eventually until we
reached the end.
Some
promises made were to be fulfilled, and some were yet to be made. I realized how
I had broken many in order to fulfill others. What a filthy garbage I was
carrying, of guilt, broken memories and failures uselessly. On myself. Interestingly, I didn’t need that too.
What was
equanimity for me, that we were taught?
To get
educated, to get high accolades, get skilled, work, get married, earn well and
then have kids?
Why did I
design this faulty system wherein a link broken will lead to the collapse of my
whole empire? Why did I never prepare a
plan B? Why did I prepare only one yardstick to measure my success, which I
kept re-naming as my happiness? Why did all my short terms plans lead to my
long term ones? Why there was no support
system created in case I didn’t begin in the first place?
Even if I
had one reason to go back to the world that belonged to me, I shouldn't have
been scared- no matter if the same reason was going to be the reason of either
my decay or glory.