Equilibrium

She declared that she was pregnant, in office.

I was happy for her, and sad for myself.

She is a nice girl. She got married two years back to a nice South Indian guy whom she considers is better than her. Husband is qualified, earns well, loves her, takes care of her and saves for their future home and baby. Can a woman demand more from life.

Whenever there is any such position that demands setting up an example, or exhibits the feature of a perfect situation, I have this nagging habit of putting myself in that place and comparing. And the result, as always, is lambasting.

I have been doing this with myself more than often, resulting in emotional mayhem and lingering unanswered questions.

While on my way today, I asked myself if all that I have lost was futile. Have I not gained anything from the losses. Is that not enough sacrifice to be the person I am today. Haven’t I become what I could never have, if I was a married woman with kids and a middle class husband coming home every evening, and discussing home loans. I even wonder if that perfect market situation (as per Economy) ever prevails, and even if it does, it is uncertain as to for how long it does. Sustainability brings a question mark.

I don’t all have just sulking material too. Haven’t I found myself after losing all that I had.  Haven’t I realized that probably my biggest target in life is to become a better human being, and keep moving. Not having an aim is not an aim in itself, when you recognize that going with the flow is a struggle too. I know I have been making up my mind and re-making it too frequently. But hasn’t life taught to be happy in what we have got (or remained, in my case) and to create the best out of it. Yes, I do get mad, act childish and throw up soon but can I ignore the frequencies of these getting lower. Are the indications worth ignoring?

Every day I get unlayered and I see myself like never before, and get closer to myself. My insecurities have increased in a number of ways, I agree, but at the same time the trust too that these do comprise a life and in uncertainties lies the certainty of strife.    

At the same time, I admit, sustainability will question imperfect situation too. I don’t know how long this situation will prevail seeing the inordinate future.  

We all need equilibrium in life, and seek certainty among the little uncertainties in life to find solace.

Tum ho paas mere

Yes, it is magical.

The lyrics, beyond doubt and the voice is nothing more than just apt.

I must have listened to it at least a thousand times and I can listen it another million times.

It 'reminds' me of something I 'never experienced' or someone I never met.. Yes, I am mad to say this.

Yes, it places that someone next to me whom I have never met but feel as if I am known to him for years.

Someone, with whom I have been sitting beyond time, beyond seasons and far away from reasons and instincts.

Someone whom I see with my eyes closed and someone who is worth the wait.

Someone from whom the roots of trust begin. 

Where is my home

It has been really long since wrote something last. Mostly I write when I am sad. I have two options then- either to lighten my burden by crying or to express it in the forms of words- and write.

Lately, I have been crying too much these days. So much, that I have got sores around my eyes. And, shamefully, I cry like women. Non stop. For unimportant thing. And then sometimes even adding up new topics to cry. And later wondering where I started and what I ended up cribbing about.

I had read somewhere that you should keep targets for yourself and then should reward upon achieving, as an art of living. When I feel sad, I try to pamper myself by doing away with the requirement of achieving the target and reaching directly hitting upon rewarding.

I ask myself, “What can I do for you. What do you want”.

Off late, I had been convincing myself that I’ll be happy with rewards like- mango cake, gobi paratha, books, dresses, a travel plan or even sex.

But quite for some time, my convincing powers have failed me.

I have been looking to escape answers when last time I demanded, something that made me answerless. I said, I wanted to go back to  my home.

Did I ever have a home.  Did I feel at home when I was in Chandigarh. Didnt destiny keep knocking me to take me in its UFO to Mumbai in a flash of a second, with no plans of mine ever in my thought.  Was I at rest when I was there.

My love for Mumbai was profound. The liberty, that growth, that progression, those monsoons and those people- that comprised Mumbai. Did I feel at home when I used to walk back home alone at dusk, after work. Was the city mine when I couldn’t find what lost in my five years of pursuit.

And now, when I was in Hong Kong, staying so close to the sea, that if I close my eyes, and  try to imagine the sounds of the waves, I may hear them thumping the shore. Did I accept it as my home town.

This reminded me of Richard Bach-

“The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while, and watch your answers change.”

I think- Man, probably, is a homeless man, in search of a home; trying to build it when he has found, and trying to search for it when he has built.